Don't Wear Me Out
by verbal acuity
Summary: "All my life it seems is bottled angst, unbottled angst, and bottled angst." Inspired by Don't Wear Me Out by Oceanship. EliClare eventually.
1. don't wear me out

Disclaimer: Degrassi isn't mine. Thanks for reminding me.

I know what you're all thinking, "Oh god, she's starting a new story." This is different than anything I've ever written. I assure you, there will be eclare. Somewhere. But this chapter is all Eli's past- Julia and, yes! I brought my OC, Jace, back! Because I like him, and I like the idea that he'd be Julia's older brother. _Italics_ are the past, the night Julia died. Everything else is the kinda-sorta present. Hospital. 'Kay? 'Kay.

This was inspired by _Don't Wear Me Out_ by Oceanship. Yes, the band that sings _Hotblack_. Their entire album is amazing. Have a listen. At some point the lyrics will make sense. Hopefully.

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_All the fear and dust it covers_  
_Grab your hats and take your lovers inside_

_All the fog and rain it ruins_  
_Take your laughs and take your doings inside_

_Though all the nation's chiefs divided_  
_I can feel the rays still shining_  
_I can feel the rainbows coming in_

_So don't wear me out_  
_Don't leave me here_  
_'Cause I'm not giving up_  
_So I'm giving in_

_All my life it seems is bottled angst, unbottled angst, and bottled angst_

_Through my life it seems I'm throttling, unthrottling, and throttling_

_Through the days and weeks of fighting_  
_I can see the rays still shining_  
_And I feel the rainbows coming in_

_So don't wear me out_  
_Don't leave me here_  
_'Cause I'm not giving up_  
_So I'm giving in_

_Don't Wear Me Out_ - Oceanship

* * *

+ **Don't Wear Me Out** +

_"When I was nine there was this kid, Mike. His hobby was beating me up. No matter how fast I ran, he was always faster."_

An unfamiliar ceiling lay above me, the pasty white sickening me, the fluorescent lights dizzying me. My vision swam and the light above my head spun like her bike tires as she rode away from me, into the night. The ceiling turned red like the blood that covered her body on impact, enveloping me, drowning me, and pulling me away from the light and into blackness- an endless nightmare.

_"Eli..." Her hand on my shoulder made me cringe and I jerked it away from her grasp. I couldn't even look at her. "Eli, talk to me, please."_

_"There's nothing to talk about," I spat, kicking at a pebble I'd stepped on._

_I could feel the warmth from her hand as it laid upon my shoulder again and I found it hard to move away from it this time. She was so warm, so beautiful, so perfect. She was everything I'd ever wanted and more. I wanted to forgive her, to smile like I had not three hours ago, when we had our aquarium trip for our 5 month anniversary- we'd barely been together half a year and I was so in love- until _he_ came in during our dinner, with this disgusting smug look on his face. That smirk, directed at me, sickened me. I had felt my stomach lurch and her soft hand in mine soothed me into calmness. But she couldn't look at me._

_"Julia?"_

_"Hey babe, we still on for tonight?"_

_I wrenched my hand from hers and stood up. She followed suit and I made my way out of the small restaurant. "Eli, I-"_

_I whirled around, eyes furious. "You've been _cheating_ on me, Julia?" I all but growled, baring my teeth. "With him, of all people? _Mike_?"_

_"I-"_

_"You _know_ our history, Julia," my voice was quieter now, but still bleeding with boiling anger. "You know he's been my bully, my tormentor these past seven years, how could you-"_

_Tears were flowing freely from her eyes and I felt sympathy for a moment, until I heard the jingle of the restaurant door opening and out walked none other than Michael fucking Long, smug expression painted on his face like he was born with it- in fact he probably was, but that paint will wear off one day, don't you worry. His shoulder barely brushed mine as he passed me, hands nestled into the pockets of his torn jeans. His football jacket- number 23, forever my least favorite number- was the last thing I saw as he disappeared into the dark._

_"_Mike_?" I said again, in disbelief. She sobbed, hands covering her face._

_Her hand was on my shoulder, searing my skin, burning through me and leaving an impression that I knew right then I'd never be able to wash off. A handprint, invisible to anyone but me, would be left and I would always feel the burn of my first love._

_"Eli...please."_

_I backed away, enraged. "I don't want to ever see you again, Julia," I said, voice a whisper that barely I could even hear. But she heard, loud and clear. And as she walked past me to grab her bike- locked with the others- I swear everything moved in slow motion. The tears falling from her eyes, her footsteps across the concrete, it was all slow, seen in excruciating detail that I saw stars. I turned away as she passed me again, this time on her bike._

_"Goodbye, Eli," I think I heard, and she was gone, out of my life for good, in the direction that Mike had gone._

_I waited until I couldn't see her anymore, and then began walking home in the opposite direction._

Every time my eyes opened, I was blind. Everything was black. Except for Julia. Her face was there when I awakened. She was there, haunting me, sitting next to me, whispering to me. _You killed me, Elijah_.

"No I didn't," I'd say, to the now empty room, her presense just a cool air engulfing me back into the welcomed darkness. If it was dark, I couldn't see the blood. If it was dark I could will her away. Never have to see her dark red lipstick and black hair, perfectly straight, smooth locks. If I didn't see them I wouldn't feel the urge to touch them, to feel the silk I loved so much.

Something warm trailed down my cheek and I blinked, realizing I was crying.

_Jace found me the morning after I'd gotten the call from her mother about her passing. She'd said to me how she wished I'd walked her home, to make sure she was safe- I didn't have the heart to tell her that her perfect daughter in her eyes had cheated on me, on multiple counts. Instead I'd only hung up and grabbed my mothers pill bottles- the ones she'd left behind when she killed herself two years before- and popped them three at a time, from each bottle. The third round my throat was sore and I almost choked them back up, but I forced them down. My vision went first- I was swimming, surrounded by fish, only to be pulled up and choked by the atmosphere in the night sky- and then my body weakened and I collapsed on my bathroom floor._

_I could barely recognize the voice running through my head, floating in my brain, or the hands lifting me into strong arms. I was flying. "Eli," the voice said, worry dripping, "you're gonna be okay."_

_And that was the last I remember._

"Can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes and there was a flash of electric blue and the shimmer of an eyebrow piercing. Jace.

I hadn't realized I'd spoken his name until he spoke, "I'm here, kid."

"Where-"

"You're in the hospital," he said, exasperated. "You tried to kill yourself."

I couldn't breathe. I tried to kill myself... I tried to take the same escape as my mother- the mother that left me with my drunk, abusive father- and take the easy way out. I tried to kill myself. Over what?

_Julia..._

Again, I didn't realize I spoke aloud.

"Eli," he sighed. "I'm sorry she-"

"It's my fault," I said, cutting him off, "it's all my fault..."

Rough hands grabbed my shoulders and lightly shook me. "It's not your fault, Eli, she-"

I sat up ignoring the pain in my stomach and the IV in my hand. "It is my fault," I said sternly, completely true. "I told her I never wanted to see her again, Jace. Everything is my fault."

He backed up and sat himself back in the chair, letting out a long breath for the both of us, because I was pretty sure I still wasn't breathing. He took my information in, one breath at a time and I waited for the reprimand, for the third degree he was sure to give me. But all I got was a simple, quiet, "Why?"

And all in one breath I told him everything- how perfect our night was, how Mike ruined it, and how we broke each other's hearts simultaneously and she rode off by herself...and how I'd just let her. Tears fell from my eyes, stained my face, and left small specks on the plain white sheet covering my half-naked body. I gripped those same sheets tightly, not even bothering to hold back the pain I felt. It was washing away, bleeding onto the scratchy, uncomfortable, thin sheets and staining them the color of her blood.

Warm arms wrapped around me and my blood red tears became clear again, the sheets as white as ever. "It's not your fault, Eli," he whispered, tightening his hold. "It's not your fault." And when I felt a warmth on my shoulder...I realized he was crying too.

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Reviews keep me sane. If you don't review, I don't know. I need to know if this is good enough to continue. (:


	2. don't leave me here

I am only posting this because I had both chapters written before I posted chapter one. No one likes this story, and I don't blame them. I just wanted to write, that's all. It was in my head and wouldn't go away until I wrote it. I don't expect readers, or anything, considering how horrible this is. LOL. I'll delete it in a few days. Just wanted it to exist, if only for a fleeting moment. Guess after my 100th story I lost my touch...

* * *

+ **Don't Leave Me Here** +

They kept me three nights, _for observation_, they'd said. The hallucinations got less and less- letting my heart monitor finally calm down- until they finally disappeared altogether. Jace was there, 9 AM sharp, when they said they'd discharge me. I couldn't believe that he'd accepted me, just like that. His sister was dead. _Dead_. He'd never see her again... and yet here he was, taking care of me. Such a huge change from when he'd first introduced me to his sister.

_"Hey Eli, there's someone I'd like you to meet."_

_I smirked. "How are you today, Eli? I'm great, Jace, thanks for asking!" He rolled his eyes and smacked me on the shoulder. "Alright, alright," I said, serious now, for once._

_He grinned at me. "This is my sister, Julia."_

_The most beautiful girl stepped from behind him- hair a deep purple, eye shadow the same color, and lips blood red, lined in black. She had a long, flowing, black skirt with one dark red rose design on the bottom left, a thorned stem spiraling up the rest of the skirt. Her shirt was plain black, v-neck, and showed off her perfect, pale skin, flawless. And back at her face I noticed something I hadn't before- a tiny nose stud, shining in the sunlight. If I had been an artist I would have painted a picture, to savor it forever and ever._

_"Eli," Jace said, impatient. I blinked out of my dreamed up world. "This goof over here-" I rolled my eyes "-is Elijah Goldsworthy."_

_I coughed, sending him a glare, completely awake now. "That's _Eli_, thank you." And she giggled, the sound of bells chiming. And I think I might have fallen in love right there._

_"Alright, fine," he grumbled. "Eli." I smirked in satisfaction, trying not to make eye contact with the beautiful chocolate brown eyes captivating me, and crossed my arms. He walked up to me and whispered in my ear, "Don't hurt her. Or I might kill you." I stiffened, he laughed. "Kidding, kidding," he said and clapped me on the shoulder and the two walked away, leaving me alone._

"You're gonna stay with me awhile."

I raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

He leveled me with a stern glare, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly- _Morty_, I thought. He'd gotten this piece of junk hearse two years ago- before he even got his license (_"I'm preparing, Elijah!"_)- for cheap from some funeral home that was shutting down. When he'd pick me up he's always say, "Get in the stupid hearse, Elijah!" because although from my attire you'd think it was my kind of car... it wasn't. I mean, come on, it was a hearse. But as we hung out more...I grew to like the giant piece of metal that required two parking spots to fit _anywhere_. I was sick of "hearse" this and "car" that, so I'd finally shouted, "Morty!" one day. He seemed to know what I meant, so when he murmured, "Morty..." to himself, I smiled.

"Why do you think, Elijah?"

I sighed. Again with 'Elijah'. He really must have had something against the shortened version of my name that I _preferred_. Jace always liked getting under my skin. But I understood. When we were kids he'd call me Eli... but as we grew up and I started doing stupid things- and to add to all this, I never had _parents_ that cared enough to do something- Jace reprimanded me, took care of me. When I'd scrape my knee, he was the one laughing as I hissed from the pain of the peroxide pressed to my open wound by his very hands. He was the one saving my ass from Mike when he'd chase me halfway home after school. Mike would _only_ get halfway because Jace always interfered.

Jace was like the father I _wish_ cared about me, the older brother I didn't have. Jace was there for everything. Even after I was the cause of his sister riding home in the night alone.

_"Will you go out with me?"_

_She giggled and shook her head. "No, Elijah," she said, all smiles. Her and her brother, I swear to god, calling me Elijah..._

_I sighed. "Alright." But I wasn't going to give up. One day she'll say yes._

It was cold, the first night. Another unfamiliar ceiling. Jace had his own apartment, though he was only eighteen. His parents helped him pay for it. But I hated sleeping in places with a ceiling I'd never been under before. The first night at the hospital was unbearable, but the second night I felt better, because I'd slept there already. But I had a feeling I wouldn't be sleeping tonight, not with this ceiling above my head.

_After asking for the sixth time, she finally pitied me and said yes. I took her to see a movie, and then dinner. It was awkward because she clearly didn't want to do this. Yet. I knew she wanted to... she just didn't want to yet. She was the kind of girl that lived for the chase. She loved running from me, making me chase after her. The physical exursion it took to keep up with her signals was unbearable and made me dizzy whenever I saw the smile on her face, the flash of stark white teeth. This girl was a walking tornado, spiraling and making me spin so fast I felt sick. There was nothing to hold onto. And I loved the thrill._

Jace took me to hang out with him and a few friends at their spot in the woods. He was hesitant about bringing me. I could see why, when a sketchy looking kid showed up and pulled Jace aside- a drug deal, I could only assume. When Jace had come back he'd only shrugged. He would have left me at his place... if he wasn't worried about all the pills he had in his medicine cabinet- Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, Ibuprofen, Percocets, Oxycontin- and what they could potentially do to me, _again_. So he played it safe; decided he's going to keep me in view.

But the more I lived here... the more it hurt.

We had to drive past the restaurant, the last place I saw Julia, to get back to his apartment. We had to drive past the scene of the accident. And every time I was drowning in red, in the blood that soaked her clothes when the driver found her, checked her pulse and called the paramedics. She was pronounced D.O.A. and I was sure she'd suffered a lot before her heart finally stopped.

Tears blurred my vision and I gripped the handle on the door, knuckles turning white, just like her skin when she stopped breathing.

_"I love you," I said, threading my fingers through her hair and she smiled back at me, eyes a warm brown._

_"You too," she giggled and, although she didn't actually say it, I knew she meant it. My heart fluttered at the thought and I kissed her laughter away._

Passing that park was too much for me... where I first told her I loved her.

"Eli?" I heard from my left and turned my head slowly. "You gonna be okay?"

"Jace..." I bit my lip and he pulled over for a moment to look at me. "I can't do this anymore, Jace."

"Do what?" he asked, then his eyes darkened. "Live? I refuse to let you ki-"

"No!" I cut him off. "I can't stay here anymore. This town. Everything is _her_. I need to leave."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, gripping Morty's steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned as white as mine. Without another word he sped off towards the apartment we now shared. He didn't wait for me to say anything, just got out of the car and ran into our home. I stayed frozen for a few moments, then followed him in. The kitchen was a mess- he was pulling things from the cabinets frantically, cans of vegetables and boxes of pasta lay sprawled all over the kitchen floor.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, afraid he'd freak out. No answer, so I slowly walked to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Jace?"

"Aha!" he said it so suddenly I jumped back about three feet in shock. "Sorry," he muttered, smile on his face. "Here." I took the box he handed to me and looked at it. "It's money," he said, shrugging.

"_What_?"

"Take it. You need it more than I do."

"Jace, I-"

"These, too."

And next thing I knew there were keys in my hand. _Morty_. "I can't take these, Jace. It's your money and your car..."

He laughed. "Dude. My parents have been _itchin'_ for me to get rid of that pile of junk. It's for you to get outta here, and when you're settled you can get your own car, a good car. One that doesn't break down every other week." His bright smile reassured me and I nodded. He ushered me up the stairs to pack and I did. I called my grandfather and told him my situation.

_"Of all the things, Elijah_," he said, sighing on the other end. But I already knew he'd help me. "_Get here as soon as you can, I'll get you enrolled in the school here._"

"Thanks," I said, managing a small smile though he couldn't see it. "I'll be there tomorrow. I'll leave either tonight or tomorrow morning." And we hung up. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. "My grandfather's gonna let me move there for a while," I muttered and Jace nodded.

"Promise me one thing," he said, pulling me into a hug. "Find someone to love-" I opened my mouth to protest but he held his hand up, "-I mean it, Elijah. Find someone to love... and don't forget about me."

For the first time in almost a week, I smirked. _Degrassi, be ready for a dark cloud_.

_"Hey Eli," she whispered and my eyes opened. She was beautiful, bathed in moonlight, eyes glimmering. She was beautiful anyway. Her fingers threaded through my hair and her breath tickled my ear, lips pressing against my neck for the briefest of moments. "Promise me something?"_

_"Hm?" My eyes were closed again. I was basking in her touch, her love. Her voice could lull me to sleep and I'd be able to sleep for eternity, thinking about her._

_"Promise me..." Her fingernails gently raked down my chest and her lips pressed to my cheek. I shivered. "Promise me you'll stay with me forever," she said breathily._

_"Forever," I promised, relishing in the feeling of her mouth and her fingers on me._

_"Promise me you'll always love me." Her voice dropped to a whisper, a disturbance in the air, and I sighed. "Promise."_

_"I promise," I said, green eyes finally opening and locking with her soft brown ones. I couldn't decipher the emotion in them... but I was sure it wasn't complete adoration. It wasn't love, that was for sure. I'd never heard the words from her. Only got 'You too's and 'I know's. I wish I knew then, what I know now... because then this all could have been avoided._

As I stared at the familiar and unfamiliar ceiling in my bedroom at Jace's, all I could think was, _How could I be so stupid?_ as I closed my eyes and let the darkness seep around me and engulf me in a dreamless sleep. I swore to a promise that should be null and void, knowing that she cheated on me. And yet... still I can only wonder why I should ever get to be happy, when she's dead.

* * *

Again, this will be deleted in a few days. I'm not even gonna bother writing any of the EliClare part.

Experiment Eli's Past: Complete Failure. Remind me never to play with fire again. Because this fire sure as hell burned me.


	3. I'm not giving up

This is a kind of filler, I guess. The flashbacks show up when something in the present reminds Eli of something in the past. (: Next chapter will be his first day at Degrassi! So don't worry, our favorite girl will show up next. This is kinda short. Because I feel a little awkward writing Eli before knowing Clare... it's hard writing him when he's not thinking about how beautiful she is. D: So that's why this is such a challenge. xD

A few awesome people convinced me not to delete this. So. Here's chapter three!

* * *

+ **I'm Not Giving Up** +

"You don't start school for another two days, Elijah."

I wheeled around, shock clearly painted on my face. I had expected to be sent to school the day after I got here- granddad was strict about that, school was first- so you could picture my confusion when he said that just as I opened the front door, black bag slung over my shoulder and Morty's keys in hand. I was ready for this. I needed a distraction and a whole new town definitely wasn't enough for me. As much as I hated school, I was itching for teachers to force their useless knowledge into my head to accompany all the knowledge already floating around in there. I've had so much angst bottled up in there I needed to let it out somehow.

"Why?" I asked, trying not to whine.

He gave me the reprimanding-adult look and raised an eyebrow. "Elijah," he said, voice stern, "I want you to spend these next two days getting used to this town, finding your way around, before I release you into the field of Degrassi's wonderful education." I rolled my eyes. The only thing wonderful about education was the distraction it provided me. I knew basically everything the teachers were thrusting upon our young, corruptible minds and found the whole institution useless. I had better things to do. And here was my grandfather telling me to _do those things_ before I sold my soul to this school. I'm sure it's wonderful. Note my sarcasm.

"Alright." I shut the door, ran upstairs to drop my bag off, then ran out the front door- this time successfully- with a shouted, "I'll be back later!"

_"I'll be back later!"_

_Julia was about to run out the door with me, but a voice at the top of the stairs called back, "Where ya goin'?" I rolled my eyes, ever the curious, protective older brother... to both of us._

_"Eli and I are going out!" she giggled and before waiting for a response we were out the door and halfway down the driveway to the sidewalk. I didn't have a car, but she didn't mind. I had my license, but lacked money. Neither of us minded walking. It was nice out today, not too warm, not too cool. The leaves were just starting to change colors and the different splashes of color intrigued us, fueling our need to walk instead of drive._

_Jace always offers me Morty, in case we didn't want to walk, but I honestly couldn't find a reason to drive a hearse, I mean, really._

_It was a simple day- just a trip to the park where we can talk, and think, and overall wonder. We've been together three months and neither of us have said I love you. Maybe it's a good thing... but I've thought about it. Love. I think I might love Julia... but I'm afraid of the outcome._

_I wasn't wrong in my fears._

Morty started after the third try- _third time's a charm_; I hadn't really understood that saying until now. I'd tried to... but it never did anything for me, not on any count. But my luck these days seems to work better when it comes to something inanimate.

This town was kind of boring- after Morty started I'd set off to explore. I've been driving for five minutes- the town isn't _huge_- and I still haven't found anything remotely interesting. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the people my age were cooped up in a building getting fed useless bullshit for the next eight hours, taking away my potential entertainment... but even then, I'm sure the kids of _Degrassi Community School_ weren't that interesting; in fact they were probably boring and I'd have to survive this school year by the skin on my bones.

I pulled into a parking spot in front of a little cafe. _The Dot_, the little place said and I shrugged, switching the gear into park and stepping out of Morty. I walked in and sat at the counter. Immediately a boy walked up and took my order; black coffee- today I wasn't in the mood for much of anything. Usually I'd have some form of sweetener and creamer, but today life was just too bland that it'd be pointless to add anything. It wouldn't fix a thing.

When he came back with my coffee and took my money he lingered there for a moment, eyeing me. I raised an eyebrow and pulled the cup away from my lips before I took a sip.  
"Can I help you?"

He smiled. "You new here?" I nodded, not having much to say. "Shouldn't you be going to school?"

Who did this guy think he was, asking me questions? I'm sure he's just being polite, but I have better things to do than listen to a stranger ask a complete stranger why he isn't in school- at this point he may as well be commenting on the weather and how the sun's barely peeking from the clouds. I didn't feel compeled to answer him, but I shrugged and replied nonetheless, "I start in two days." Keeping my responses short was always the best option; I didn't need to get attached to anyone. "Have a good day," I said and walked back out the door without letting him even say goodbye- we didn't exchange names, or stories, only looks of understanding and mutual lonliness. If I wasn't so detached I might've considered befriending him... but making friends was out of the question.

_"Hey, you new here?" I blinked at the unfamiliar voice and turned around to see a boy, about a year or two older than me, with dark green hair. This in itself was a little weird- my parents wouldn't even let me look at hair dye let alone dye my hair, and here this kid is, with green hair..._

_"Yeah," I said shyly, scratching the back of my neck. A wide grin spread across his face and he held his hand out, I assumed for me to shake. I took it cautiously, unsure if I should befriend him so quickly._

_"I'm Jason!" he said excitedly, "Jason Campbell, but I prefer Jace, what's your name?"_

_"Uh," real smart, Eli. "I'm Eli."_

_He narrowed his eyes, but his grin was still there, mocking me. "Is that your _real_ name? Eli?"_

_I sighed. He got me. "Fine," I muttered, not happy about this situation in the slightest. "Elijah. My name is Elijah Goldsworthy," I said grudgingly. "But I prefer Eli-"_

_"Elijah..." if possible, that grin got wider. "I like your name, Elijah!"_

_Biggest mistake ever._

There really wasn't anything remotely entertaining about this town. All it's doing is bringing back memories- anything I say, or what strangers say... it's like starting up there again, and I didn't come here to restart where I left off after...

_Stop it, Eli. Don't think about it. Jace let you take his car to get away from it all. Don't bury yourself all over again._

But there is nothing here. What am I supposed to do in a town with nothing to do? I wasn't here to make friends, I wasn't here to start trouble. I was here to move on, and that was all. I'd have to lay low and hope nobody notices me. I'm invisible. Before Jace, no one noticed me. I was in the middle of the classroom and no one knew I was there- no one knew my name, what kind of person I was, or what made me tick. I wasn't even on the map- until Jace introduced himself. Everyone knew him. And then they knew me, thanks to him.

_"This is Eli," Jace said, pulling me up beside him and I was ever-thankful that he didn't say 'Elijah'. I didn't want anyone to know me as Elijah. "He's new and you all will be super- nice to him, okay?"_

_I raised an eyebrow, curious as to their reaction. But smiles broke out across all their faces. "Hey Eli!" they all said and clapped me on the back. "A friend of Jace's is a friend of ours!"_

_And I realized that in this town, to get by, you had to know Jason Campbell on more than an acquaintance level... and I was already there._

I pulled back onto my grandfather's street, exasperated. I guess for this next day and a half I'll just have to stay in here, because there really isn't anything here. I just hope to whatever god there may be that Degrassi is remotely entertaining, otherwise I might keel over this school year.

"Back so soon?" my grandfather asked and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. I couldn't tell him how boring his town was- he loved it here- especially since he was kind enough to take me in. So I had to lie. Good thing it's my expertise.

"Yeah," I drawled, shrugging. "Everyone's in school... nothing much to do when the kids my age aren't around." He nodded, understanding, and let me go up to my room where I'd immediately collapsed and passed out into a fitful, dreamless sleep.

* * *

This wasn't a great chapter and I'm sorry for that. I hate fillers, but I needed one. I'm not sure if it's good or bad for the story yet... you tell me. Review.


	4. so I'm giving in

Okay, so. Chapter four... wow. Didn't think I'd get this far! Still not sure if I like this. I don't think I do Eli justice. I'm still not that great at writing him like some of you guys on here are. But I'm trying really hard, I promise.

Enjoy!

* * *

+ **So I'm Giving In** +

_"I love you, Julia."_

_She giggled and shoved my arm- she had the cutest laugh, but it was so out of place... the way she dressed, how she looked so angry all the time, it didn't make sense. "I know, Elijah."_

_I sighed. "How come you won't say it back?" I've been wanting it ask for so long. I've only told her I love her once before, but just like this time, she danced around the subject. "I'm not trying to push you or anything, just-"_

_"Silly Elijah," she laughed. "You're so insecure."_

_I groaned, "I am _not_ insecure, Julia."_

_"Sure you are!"_

_I changed the subject, "Well..." I wasn't sure how to say it. "In two days is our 5 month anniversary..." A wide grin much like her brother's spread across her face but she didn't say anything. She knew something I didn't, and if I'd known back then, I would have ended it. "Is there anywhere you'd like to go?" I asked._

_"The aquarium!"_

_I blinked. "You're serious," it wasn't a question. She nodded and I sighed. The aquarium it is._

"Elijah."

I groaned and rolled over, covering my head with my comforter, hoping to block out my grandfather's voice. I didn't want to go to school today. I'd actually liked spending my time in this room, writing Edgar Allan Poe poetry all over my walls and painting the inside of my door black, _The Raven_ written in red over the black. In a few days it'd all be covered in posters- Dead Hand, The Job, and my guilty pleasure, Oceanship- and black paint.

"Five more minutes," I mumbled, but my covers were pulled off me so quickly I didn't have the chance to grab for them. "Hey!"

He crossed his arms. "Elijah, you have school in less than an hour. You need to get up."

"Fine," I sighed and climbed out of bed. He smirked knowingly and walked out of my room, closing my door behind him, leaving nothing but the words of Poe-

_Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,  
__"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;  
__But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,  
__And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,  
__That I scarce was sure I heard you" - here I opened wide the door;-  
__Darkness there and nothing more._

I stared at my door for a moment then shook my head and got up. Half an hour left. I took a quick shower, got dressed in my best pants- dark grey skinny jeans- a plain black t-shirt and my trademark blazer. I figured it would be a good first impression; _stay away from me_.

_"Elijah, do you really have to dress like that?" mom asked from the entrance to my bedroom and I rolled my eyes. The walls in this room were so plain and white. I hated moving; I missed my old room. "You're not going to make any friends dressing like the dead."_

_I groaned and turned around to face her. "Mom!" I felt bad about raising my voice but I couldn't help it. "I'm not dressing like the dead," I said, softening my voice a little. "I'm just- ugh. This is just how I'm most comfortable."_

_"You're thirteen, Elijah. You don't know what makes you comfortable yet."_

_"Mom," I said, matter-of-factly. "We only moved _across town_, it's not like I'm changing schools." I left out the fact that I'd still be here, where Mike can still torment me. I wished I could have changed schools. But instead, in honor of the death of the old me and my amazing bedroom before, I changed my look and, frankly, I like the new me better. I felt badass. Before, I'd only ever been noticed by Mike Long and his boring meathead friends- all happened to be three times as big as me- because I was the perfect target: small and scrawny._

_"I'm just saying, honey, that maybe you shouldn't try to look like a mortician," she said and, just before she shut my door, she finished with, "It would be easier to make friends that way, instead of scaring them away..."_

_It was that day that I decided to burn everything I owned that wasn't black or grey. Goodbye Elijah, hello Eli._

I could barely register the day going by. I didn't care about any of the classes, except maybe English- but the teacher was really annoying. Only one seat was open in the middle of the room, in front of a girl focused entirely too much on a book. Not like it mattered to me, I wasn't here for girls, or friends. I'm here to move on.

I made sure to tell all my teachers to call me Eli, mark it down in their books before anyone here found out my full name. I'm trying to start anew, with no one knowing anything about me.

Thankfully they all complied, introducing me as Eli, and besides the curious looks I got from guys and the creeped out looks I got from girls, I made it through the day unnoticed. I couldn't have been more grateful. No friends made means no pain in the end- no agony for me or anyone else. This school might survive the rest of this year, even with Eli Goldsworthy roaming the halls under a dark cloud.

_"Elijah?"_

_"That's Eli to you."_

_"Whoa man," he said and I couldn't, for the life of me, remember his name. "You've changed a lot since last year!"_

_I shrugged. "Got tired of the old me."_

_He fell into step with me and I had to fight the urge to walk faster to get away. I didn't want any friends, but I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I think he got the hint after a few minutes of silence, because he finally turned a corner and left. Or maybe he didn't get the hint; he could have just had a class down that hallway. Either way, I was glad for the silence._

_I was hoping Mom was right; hoping that I wouldn't make any friends._

The final bell rang, finally, and I left the classroom as fast as I could. I unlocked Morty's doors and, before I got in, didn't miss some overly tall boy pushing around a smaller kid near the front steps. _Mike_... I shook my head. No, it wasn't. I left him behind, left everything behind. Mike was gone, a figment of my imagination- now just a bad dream. I would never see him again.

As the ignition kicked on, I couldn't help but see as the grey sweatshirt became a football jacket, number 23 sewed on the back with huge patches, mocking me as I drove away.

_I hated bullies. They wouldn't leave me alone, wouldn't let me be. I could barely make it down the hallway before, and now that my wardrobe's change, it's surprising that I made it through now._

_"E-li-jaaaah," Mike taunted as I walked out the entrance to go home. I tried to sidestep him, but he was quicker. He grabbed the collar of my brand new blazer and pulled me up so we were face to face. I squirmed, I struggled, but he didn't let go. "You look more like a freak now than you did before!" he laughed, his friends following suit. "Did you think that with all this black you could hide from me?" I didn't respond, just kept my eyes on the ground, on our feet- his dirty sneakers. "Well it won't work, freak." And with that he dropped me into a patch of grass, or what should have been grass, but was only dirt instead._

_I groaned and waited for him to walk away before I got up, brushed the dirt from my pants, and walked home in the opposite direction._

I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping to every god up there that I'd never have a run-in with that kid. I didn't want a repeat of Mike Long.

I put the gear into drive and backed out of my spot slowly, watching for random kids and other cars backing out- all clear. On the sidewalk of the street I was turning onto I saw two girls, arguing animatedly; I recognized the taller one, I think she sat behind me in English: the reader. Something in her hand glimmered in the light and I wondered briefly what it was before I focused back on the road ahead of me. There was no use it watching two girls argue for no reason. It didn't concern me. And their words were drowned out by The Job, anyway, blasting from the speakers that Jace had upgraded and tuned up into a _real_ soundsystem. It was a wonder why he gave me it for free...

My mind wandered back to that bully and that poor kid he was pushing around... that was me before, but that isn't me now. No one here knows who I am, or who I was. They have no reason to push me around.

_Crunch._

What? If that was what I think it was, Morty's tire better not be damaged, otherwise I'm suing. I hit the break, put it in park and got out, not bothering to look at whoever it was that was standing there, obviously shocked. I picked up the offending object: glasses. Glasses. Wait. Glasses are expensive... shit. This only means I'm gonna be on someone's shit list because of this. But I played it cool.

"I think they're dead," I drawled, and finally looked up to see... the two girls that had been arguing. Fucking awesome. I reached my hand out to hand them to the taller one with the curls, the perfect cinnamon color. Her little Indian friend crossed her arms and looked from me to her. Her eyelashes were entirely too big for her face and I instantly wondered if they were real. I fought back a snicker.

"It's okay, I, uh," she looked up at me, confident, and I realized that I liked that in a girl- _no, Eli, no girls_- "I don't need them anymore." Hm. Intrigued. The smaller girl looked proud of herself, smug even, but I didn't really care about her. "Got- laser surgery," she finished with a smile and I took that moment to notice her eyes. Captivating. Bluer than the ocean on a clear day, bluer than the sky in the middle of the summer.

On impulse, the words bled from my mouth without my consent, "You have pretty eyes." I masked the utter shock that I felt as I spoke that aloud with a smirk. I need to keep my cool, not that I need to prove anything to this... this girl that bleeds beauty and perfection. My eyes lingered to the cross around her neck and I realized right there that I didn't stand a chance.

"Thanks," she said softly, eyes looking everywhere now but at me, "I'll, uh... see you around?" a question. Hopeful. She looked back at me for the briefest of moments and I could see the hope in her baby blues.

Again, I spoke on impulse, "Guess you will," and got into Morty without another word. That girl left me breathless in a way Julia hadn't, and I didn't even know her name! I could never have her- her religion won't let me, I certainly won't let myself... and the higher power that got a hard-on for dicking me around all the time definitely wasn't going to let me. I should just give up now, while I have the chance to hold myself back. And for a start, I forced myself not to look into my rearview mirror until she was out of sight, lest I turn around and ask her all the questions I'll never learn the answer to.

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Finally, they met! (: Not that good, I apologize. And I'm pretty sure the flashbacks are getting annoying. It's just for plot, I guess. *shrugs* They won't be around _too_ long... Review.


	5. third time's a charm

Huh. Another chapter. Blehhh. This is another kinda filler. I'm not sure how long this story's gonna be, but right now I'm just going with the flow. This isn't as up-to-par as I wished it would be. But I'm trying.

I think this is the chapter where the titles stop being lyrics... ahhh. Enjoy chapter 5!

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+ **Third Time's A Charm** +

I slammed the front door shut and made a b-line for the staircase to get to my bedroom, but my grandfather stopped me. "Bad first day?" he asked, a hint of sarcasm to his voice. My shoulders stiffened- _quite the contrary_. I couldn't exactly tell him that I'd fallen into an endless abyss just by seeing some nameless girls' _eyes_. She was beautiful, enthralling, captivating, perfect, _dangerous_. She wasn't some good-for-nothing stick figure; she had curves- beautiful ones, at that- and she didn't dress slutty like most high school girls. In fact, she didn't really dress _in style_. I wouldn't go as far to say grandma clothes, but she was pretty close. And she spent her free time in class _reading_. I never see girls like that.

"Not really, just" - I fished around in my head to find the correct word without giving away any secrets - "_complications_," I finally settled on. "That's all." He raised an eyebrow but understood my haste to get away and signaled with his hand 'you may go'. Thankful, I smiled and bolted up the stairs, shutting and locking my door behind me. I was inspired, intrigued, and _infatuated_. This girl that I'd only met just today, known her for barely an hour, and I was so curious about her- what went through her head, what she was reading, why they'd been fighting over her glasses in the first place... I wished I could know everything.

But I was treading so deep in dangerous waters, I was drowning.

_That girl... Julia Campbell? Was Jace's _sister_? They were so alike, yet so different... she was so beautiful. I wish I could know her. I want to know her. I want to know more than her name, more than her taste in clothing much like mine. It was like we were meant to meet- just like I was meant to meet Jace. He saved me from myself, he became Eli's friend, when I'd said goodbye to Elijah. But even though he knows Eli for Eli... he knows Elijah, too. It was so hard to keep secrets from him. He was so curious!_

_But Julia... she was a mystery- a mystery that I wanted to figure out, a puzzle that I wanted to put together and frame to hang above my bed. Something so beautiful couldn't possibly be real. I couldn't believe someone like her even _existed_!_

It had been a while since I'd logged onto FaceRange. I couldn't bear to go on there after _that day_. I just couldn't. But I forced myself tonight. I needed to clear things up, say goodbye to my past. I needed to delete everything, everyone that brought back memories.

The first thing I was greeted by when I clicked 'login' was my default picture- Julia and I on our first date. I groaned and went to my pictures, clicked on the 'Julia-love' album and closed my eyes as I erased its' existance. Once it was gone I went to 'my photos' and sorted through the old me, when I was Elijah and still wore color, and deleted all of them, which only left seven pictures of the me now; of Eli. I smirked.

I clicked to 'profile' and what I saw was... terrifying. In the left collumn under my new default picture it said 'Eli Goldsworthy In a Relationship with Julia Campbell'. Fuck. I swear to God my heart skipped about five beats and I clicked 'account settings' as fast as possible, quickly changing my status to 'single'. I could breathe again.

Next was my friends... the hardest part- especially since I'd have to delete Jace, too, for safety's sake. I sighed and hit the 'mark all' button and clicked 'delete', erasing my past, starting clean. I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders, like I'd never had a problem in the world. Like my girlfriend never cheated on me and then got hit by a car. Like I hadn't left my best friend behind for good. For once, I felt like Eli Goldsworthy and it was a wonderful feeling, being yourself.

_"I can't believe I'm doing this," I grumbled from my seat in the computer chair in Mr. Campbell's study. I was staring blankly at the login screen for FaceRange, hoping to postpone the inevitable because, really, I didn't want to become a part of this site. I didn't want to keep in touch with all my friends- _hah, what friends?_- I just wanted to live my life, lose friends in the process if need-be, and move on. But here I was, Julia and Jace flanking me to make sure I did it._

_"Come on!" they both cheered me on and I sighed, placing my hands on the mouse to click on 'create an account'. It was now or never. "Yay!"_

_I typed in my e-mail: _gold-jedi_ and the rest of my information and finished with 'create account'. A new page immediately popped up, telling me to verify my account by clicking the link in my e-mail. I rolled my eyes. I'm not a fucking robot. But I did as it asked and, what do you know, Eli Goldsworthy's got a FaceRange! This is not worth celebration..._

_"Finally!" they were so excited I couldn't help the small smile creeping to my lips. "Now add us, add us!" And thus, I was friends with Julia and Jace Campbell on FaceRange. Awesome. Not._

I found a group called 'Degrassi' and, curious, clicked on it. There were different segments in this group- Class of '11, Class of '12 (my class), Class of '13, and Class of '14- I didn't bother looking past those; they were the only ones that mattered. I clicked on my class, hoping to find a picture with a pair of familiar blue eyes, but to no avail. _Does she not have a FaceRange?_ ran through my head, but I shrugged. She wouldn't be class of '11, she was too young-looking, and too intelligent to be in a Junior year class. So the only result left was Class of '13.

I scrolled through that class, and one of the first that popped up was Alli Bhandari, the little Indian girl who'd been arguing with my potential nightmare. Intrigued- and hoping to find Blue Eyes- I clicked her page. Huh. She was in the Gifted Program... but that didn't matter to me. Cinnamon-hair was haunting me. I clicked on her friends, thankful her page wasn't private, and after searching- she had a lot of friends- I found something interesting.

_Clare Edwards..._

The name ran through my head for a few minutes, memorizing it, before I finally clicked her page. Yep. Definitely her. I smirked in victory and read her bio:

_My name is Clare. I'm not really that good at writing these kinds of things, but I guess since Alli got me to create this account I could spare a few minutes to type about myself. I'm a sophomore at Degrassi Community School, part of the Gifted Program, and am currently working on becoming a writer. I take Ms. Dawes 11th grade Advanced English class to help boost my skills. I'm a little too intrigued by the thought of vampire novels and I really like _Fortnight_ the best. I don't mind when people ask for my help, but my biggest pet peeve is cheating! I won't stand for it, so don't do it while I'm around. :) Other than that, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. Ask me anything about myself and I'll try my best to answer it for you! Bye!_

Vampire novels? I snickered to myself. Who would have thought that the most innocent girl I've ever seen- one who wears a cross around her neck, even!- is into vampire novels. I found this entirely hilarious and if I knew her better, on a more personal level, I'd pick on her about this...

_No_, I have to stop myself. I can't get caught up in another girl. I'm bad at judging. She could be completely faithful on the outside, but could instantly turn her back- _like Julia with Mike_. No! I'm here to move on, not think about my horrid past. I needed to get this new girl in my life out of my head and hopefully avoid her the rest of the year. That was the easiest way.

But that didn't stop me from adding her to my BuddyList, just in case.

_I've never trusted anyone in my life more than I trusted Jace Campbell. He kept me in check, helped me stop myself from doing stupid things that could potentially anger Mike Long more. But when I met Julia, his younger sister, it was all over. I'd found trust in this amazing, life-altering girl. I thought I knew everything about her. I could read all the emotions on her face and I was so proud to know that she trusted me as much as I trusted her. We were right for each other, perfect even. It felt right, holding her in my arms... and all I could think was, _there's nothing to regret about this situation_..._

_It was early afternoon, and we were on our way to the aquarium. It felt right, perfect. The time was right. I was hoping, fingers crossed, that she'd say it back this time. _Third time's a charm_. But I was going to wait til we were in the middle of all the giant glass fishtanks, surrounded by beautiful sea creatures, swimming in such nice, wonderful environments. It would be the perfect opportune moment._

_"Look Eli!" she shouted, pointing to the nurse shark swimming by on the bottom. I smiled at her enthusiasm. I wrapped my arms around her from behind and rested my head on her shoulder. It was now or never._

_"Julia," I whispered, close to her ear. I saw her eye flicker towards me for a moment, then went right back to the fish; she was a little tense, but I continued. "I love you."_

_She detached herself from my arms, turned to face me and smiled. "You too, Elijah!" she said before focusing her whole attention on the fish again. I sighed and joined her. Third time's a charm, indeed._

Her FaceRangeIM name was _clare-e23_, and I found it slightly endearing, as I saved it to my BuddyList. Immediatly after it saved, my heart stopped as it said _clare-e23 is online - 17 minutes_. I wasn't sure, but I might not have been breathing. She was online... she was online. I contemplated for a moment, wondering if I should send her an IM, but decided against it. I had no reason to talk to her... and she had no reason to talk to me. It was better this way- better that we just go about our business like we'd never met, like I'd never run over her glasses and told her that she had pretty eyes. I could pretend that the girl that sat behind me in English class wasn't completely breathtaking and smart and wonderfully confident. I could pretend I was invisible, too, like I wished everyone else would. Like I wished _she_ would.

Clare Edwards. What have you done to me? I'm supposed to lay low, to be a figment of everyone's imagination, a nightmare that keeps you up at night. I'm supposed to be concealed in darkness, driven by madness, and most importantly non-existant. I'm Eli Goldsworthy, That Kid That Everyone Wishes They Never Met, and Satan incarnate. Not Eli Goldsworthy, Infatuated With Christian Girl, and potential good boy. No. I was a troublemaker. I was a bad kid.

A pair of baby blues the color of the perfect sky that I'd assume blanketed Heaven could do a lot to change a person... and I hoped that these changes weren't permanant. I can't afford to lose myself now. Especially not after I've built these extremely tall, extremely strong walls around myself. Clare Edwards would not break Eli Goldsworthy so easily.

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Ahh. Tell me if it was okay! Review.


	6. I'm not gonna fall

Disclaimer: I don't own the dialogue in the beginning. Or Degrassi. Though the inner monologue, that is all mine.

Um, fail. Don't even deny it, because this chapter is NOTHING. This story is still going by a little slow. Though I have plans for later. Check out the poll at the end of this, please. Need opinions.

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+ **I'm Not Gonna Fall** +

Days passed by without any interactions with little Miss Clare Edwards and I found myself both grateful and disappointed at the same time- she was entirely too quiet in class, unlike the rest of the students in here gossiping and spreading stupid rumors about the kids in other classes, the unfortunate ones that had no say in anything...the ones that couldn't possibly defend themselves. I kept hoping, kept wishing to hear her voice. I wanted to know she was really there, that I didn't make her up in my head.

"Some of the greatest works of all time," Dawes said, going around the classroom handing back our assignments. "Letters. They reveal the hearts and souls of world leaders...of great artists," her voice got louder as she handed Clare back her work, but I sat unfazed, coloring my nails black with my Sharpie- Dawes didn't seem to care. "And now of _you_," she emphasized 'you' and set my papers down on my desk. I didn't have to look to know I'd gotten an A. I was going to go back to ignoring the existance of this whole class, when-

"Ms. Dawes" - I froze when I heard the voice of my nightmare speak behind me, distressed - "There must be some sort of mistake. I've never gotten a _C_." Scrunching up my eyebrows in disbelief I smirked- was this girl really that confident to argue about her grade _in the middle of class_? I severely misjudged her. "How did this happen?"

I paused in my coloring to pay attention this time. Dawes turned around and smiled. "_Well_," she began like she was clearly expecting this reaction- just what kind of girl was this Clare Edwards? "Your early assignments were divine, but recently your writing his become distant..._impersonal_."

I resumed coloring, expecting this conversation to be over, but she fooled me again. "I used...complex sentence structure and advanced vocabulary." She sounded so dejected, I stopped again and rolled my eyes. Was she for real?

"Yes, but your assignment didn't tell me anything about who you are, what you want," Dawes said and I was ready to go back to ignoring them. "You can't hide behind vampire fiction forever." The amusement in her voice almost made me snicker- Dawes was an interesting teacher- and I briefly wondered if the whole school knew about her vampire fiction addiction. It was clearly entertaining and I found myself falling deeper than I expected. Deeper than I wanted to be.

"_I'm not hiding_," she said, barely above a whisper and I heard her slide a little lower in her chair.

"Then prove it." Dawes smirked at me and I decided that I didn't like her. At all. "To your writing partner."

I narrowed my eyes at her and said, "_Me_." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah, _you_," she shrugged, still smiling. "You write well, but you're a little wordy. You and Clare will be editing each other's work this semester."

Of all the things a teacher could possibly do to me...this was by far the worst. Partnering me up with my _nightmare_ and expecting me to be _okay with it_ was out of the question. This girl was already killing me. And now I've been given permission- the permission I wished I wasn't granted, mind you- to be around the one person I want to stay away from the most. I can't even lie to myself anymore. I can't deny this attraction. This girl was confusing, and beautiful, and so overly confident that I didn't know what to do with myself. It's not often I'm left speechless, but she's done it.

I shook my head and puffed out a quiet sigh- this was going to be a long semester.

"_Great_," she muttered sarcastically from behind me and a smirk danced along my features- maybe she'd be fun to tick off- as I resumed my coloring. "That'll be fun."

"We might have a very special partnership on our hands, people!" Dawes announced, way too excitedly for my liking and my smirk fell. "Like Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes!"

"Sylvia Plath killed herself," I liked her spitfire attitude. It gave the life to this school that I wasn't doing a very good job at finding. I was thoughtful for a moment. This might actually be...fun. I could really get under her skin, know what's going through her head unlike everyone else in this school. Besides Dawes I'd be the only one allowed to read her papers- her personal thoughts- and it was actually a great feeling. I would have control over Clare Edwards, yet.

_"You really like my sister, huh?"_

_Jace pulled me from my reverie- evidently pulled me from every thought I'd been having of his sister. None bad, mind you. I nodded, unable to find words._

_"She's untameable," he said matter-of-factly and I sighed. I was aware. She was a free girl, didn't want to be tied down by some goth boy with a complex. But that didn't stop me from hoping, from trying. I wanted to be with her; she was like a challenge- a video game on expert, fighting a boss battle- and I wanted to conquer that challenge and come out strong, alive and unscathed._

_"I know," I muttered, a sigh passing past my lips. "But I really wanna try, dude."_

_He grinned at me. "Be my guest, Goldsworthy."_

The bell couldn't ring fast enough. I wanted out of there. I needed time to think, time to plan ahead for what I was going to do. It was then that I saw the opportunity. I smirked and got out of my seat, quickly catching up to her to meet her at the doorway and, just as she thought she was clear to walk out, I stepped up and bumped my shoulder into hers, pressing her briefly against the doorframe. The appalled look on her face made me smirk and I shook my head, adjusted my backback and walked away, but not before I heard her complain about me.

"He's just so..." her voice was loud enough, like she _wanted_ me to hear her, "UGH! You know?" Yep. Glad I have that affect on girls.

"I get it, Clare, you're in love with Eli-"

And that was all I needed to hear. It was wonderful knowing I have the same affect on her that she has on me. It was just a matter of time before one of us broke- and I was hoping to whatever is holy that it wasn't going to be me. But her _eyes_...they might very well be the death of me.

I ran out of the school like my ass was on fire and breathed in the safety and comfort of Morty, the only familiar thing to me in this town. Despite how much I didn't like him at first, we bonded the day I named him; Jace noticed. I gained a bit of respect for the old car. If he'd just survive long enough, I know he'd take me great places. But since I came here, his break-downs became more frequent- with Jace it was once every two or three weeks...now it's once a week, and I was growing tired of fixing him in the school parking lot.

Luckily enough for me, he started right up today, and I was free to go home.

_Jace, his friends- evidently my friends now, too- and I were in Jace's basement, just hanging out, jamming, and chilling. Jace had a kickass drumset and a few guitars and bass guitars, even a microphone. So we spent a few hours playing 'band'. I donned a guitar- the perfect axe, pristine condition and bright fucking purple; this instrument _screamed_ Jace- and also hogged the mic. First we'd played Metallica, then it somehow changed to a 'free session' and we made up our own song. I sang the lyrics that I'd been working on these past few months- the lyrics that were written all over the walls in my bedroom. The lyrics about _her_._

_While with the guys, I tried not to think about her- it was guy's night. No girls allowed. But she didn't once leave my mind._

_Then the basement door opened and she came down with bags of popcorn and potato chips and soda. Instruments were immediately dropped and she was swarmed with hungry teenage boys, ravenous. She smiled, handed the food off and turned on heel to leave, but not before locking eyes with me and smirking. The door shut behind her. I couldn't help that I stared at the now closed door._

_Laughter broke me from my world and I looked over to the grinning boys. "Heh," one said, grinning wide. I gave him a 'what are you going on about now?' look. He'd only shrugged. "We get it Eli, you're in love with Julia."_

_I narrowed my eyes, but there was no use denying it._

I was on FaceRange again, staring at her screen name- _clare-e23 - online 1 hour, 33 minutes_- contemplating sending her an IM. I had a blank IM window open, her sceen name in the top left corner. It was taunting me, begging me to send her a message...and I almost agreed.

_hey, vampire girl_, I typed, then immediately erased it all, only to start over, _any luck with your english paper, edwards?_ but I erased that, too. I had no reason to talk to her. We haven't even edited each other's papers yet- maybe once we conquer the first step, then we'll be on IM terms and I won't have to worry about cyber-stalking her anymore because she'll know I'm there. I'll be in her head like she's in mine. And maybe then I could rest assured knowing that she won't be able to sleep without seeing my smirk, or my green eyes-

_Whoa, Eli...what?_ I logged off FaceRange and groaned, hiding my face in my hands. What was becoming of me? A stalker? I was becoming obsessed, and that wasn't good; especially since she was so innocent, so held-together and I was so violent, volatile and tied together by a very thin string, broken and eroding. I was nothing and she was everything. I was Eli Goldsworthy and she was Clare Edwards. And although I was Dark and she was Light, we were no Yin Yang. She was too good for me.

And that was when I wondered... why does it bother me now? Before I'd go for what I wanted, but now... I held back. Was I scared?

No. Eli Goldsworthy wasn't afraid of anything. I knew very well what I was doing, and what I was doing was right: avoiding her. Sure, I was virtually stalking her- reading her profile constantly to look for any changes, checking if she was online- but that didn't mean I was crowding her. This was me staying away: watching from afar... close, but afar. She'd be my English partner, yes, and I could read every thought she'd ever written on paper and know what ran through her head, but I'd still be avoiding her. I could fabricate my thoughts, lie about everything Dawes assigns us. My life is far too fucked up for someone so perfect, so innocent to get caught up in.

And I swear to God, this time I won't let my feelings get in the way. No blue eyed, cinnamon haired, _perfectionist_ beauty was going to ruin that.

At least I hoped not.

* * *

It was short, sorry. And it sucked, too. Yay. Anyway. Now, for the poll:

Should I continue with the EliClare plotline on the show, with my take on what happened when they weren't onscreen and then go all the way through Winter Break and how their relationship gets made or broken? (LOL RUNON SENTENCE). 'Cause I have a lot planned. A lot of inner-Eli-madly-in-love-with-Clare dialogue for what happens during every screen scene. But it's up to you guys.

Or would you rather me make shit up as I go? OPINIONS ARE APPRECIATED. Kiri out.


	7. provocation

So... chapter 7. Finally. Took me long enough. Yaaay. Ignore the suckiness. I hate myself.

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+ **Provocation** +

_"I love you."_

_I froze, completely rooted to that spot. Julia. That was Julia. Did she just say..._

_"I- love you." Again. She said it again. She was breathless and I finally gained the courage to turn around to look at her. To tell her I felt the same._

_"Julia, I-" My heart stopped, mid-beat, and I froze again. Tanned, calloused fingers coursed through her jet-black hair, tugging every which way. Her arms were threaded through dirty blond hair and her mouth was latched onto a tan neck to match the equally tan arms. I couldn't move, couldn't speak._

_Julia. And Mike._

_Cold, hazel eyes locked with mine, and he smirked briefly before claiming her lips for his own. I wanted to yell, to scream at the top of my lungs and pull them apart._

_I willed myself to move and- then they were gone, replaced by light; pure, perfect, glimmering light in the form of blue eyes and cinnamon hair, pale skin reflecting the light right back at me...and then I went blind._

I shot up in bed, drenched in sweat and panting heavily. The dream- vivid, heartbreaking, and breathtaking- clouded my judgement and I couldn't see straight. I bit my lip and closed my eyes tight, willing the images to go away. Images of Julia and Mike, together. Images of Clare, radiating innocence and beauty. She took my breath away and I had to open my eyes again, lest more images of her plague my mind. _What is becoming of me?_

I turned to check the time- 2:56 A.M. Great. This only means I have to attempt to sleep for the next four and a half hours, risking another dream. But every time I closed my eyes, Clare was there, smiling so sweetly and-

_No_! Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip!

I rubbed my temples roughly, hoping to erase the images from my mind. I opened my eyes again, and I could see. Sighing in relief, I decided sleep just wasn't going to happen, so I grabbed my laptop and curled up against the wall at the head of my bed, laptop on my knees. I logged onto FaceRange for some God-forsaken reason and _there_... my fucking nightmare.

_clare-e23- online 8 minutes_. What did I do to deserve this?

I contemplated sending her an IM- _you're up late_- but thought against it. It's like this girl existed to make my life a living hell. And a living hell she was indeed making it. She's there when I close my eyes, and when I go online. She's there, behind me in class, and I can hear every breath she takes. She's there, in my head when I'm trying to keep her out. She's there, she's everywhere, and I think of nothing but her. _Clare Edwards_. You are most certainly going to be the death of me.

Angry for some reason, I logged off and set my computer aside. I burrowed myself under my covers and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was unconscious and sleeping a dreamless sleep.

* * *

I never knew what it was like to be in a Blue Period like Picasso until I met Clare Edwards. Though ours were both completely different, I still saw it as the same. This girl was my personal Hell- beautiful, amazing, innocent... she was everything that I've grown up knowing I wasn't good enough for.

Julia... Julia and I were... we were _right_. Or so I thought the moment I looked into her deep brown eyes. She wasn't a good girl, she had a past- baggage. She had a story. She didn't go to church or pray every night. She never prayed. She dressed like me, had deep purple, almost black hair- it depended on what light you saw it in- she wore heavy black eyeliner and lined her lips with black and wore blood red lipstick. Her nails were black as her combat boots and she had a spitfire attitude.

Clare had a spitfire attitude... but for a goody two-shoes kinda cause. She would always be the good girl, nothing could sway her. And that was why my Blue Period is killing me. Because this phase... this phase is the same shade of blue as her eyes.

Julia and I should have lasted. But just like all the friends I've ever had, he took her too. Stole her right from me, and I hadn't had a single clue. She was a con-artist, and I fell right for her trap. Mike always won against me, in everything we did.

_I'd actually made friends, I couldn't believe it. It took eight years, but I finally made friends._

_Mike Long sat next to me- he chose the seat himself!- on our first day of third grade and I couldn't be happier. "Hi!" I exclaimed, a little too happily. He gave me a weird smile in return, but I didn't care. "I'm Elijah. What's your name?"_

_"Mike," he muttered, but I knew right there we'd be great friends._

_During lunch I sat with him and his friends. We laughed, talked Pokemon and video games, and ate, all smiles. They all started talking to me, too. And Mike slowly drifted away as the year went on, and I gained more friends. I kept trying to get Mike's attention, but I never managed._

_A week after my ninth birthday- all my friends had come to my party... but Mike ignored the invitation- I sat down with everyone at our lunch table. They muttered to each other, picked up their trays and got up. I watched as all my friends left me to sit at Mike's table. That smile that Mike had given me on the first day of school was on his face again... and I was scared._

_My house was only a few blocks away, so my parents never bothered sending me to the bus. Walking home, I was stopped and pulled into an alley. I blinked and there was Mike, that weird smile still on his face. "Mike?" I asked._

_He laughed. "You're so small, Elijah." He was right. He and the friends he stole from me are much bigger than me... but what did that have to do with anything? "And really annoying." He shoved my shoulder and I cringed, stepping back. I stepped to the left quickly, towards the exit. He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me up so I was level with his face. "We were never friends," he said, a tone of voice I've never heard before. "None of those kids you called 'friends' ever considered you a friend."_

_I was angry, I couldn't deny it... but what could I do? He was so much bigger._

_I squirmed in his grasp, then, unthinkingly, kicked him in the shin. He groaned and dropped me. Shellshocked for a moment, I sat there. But when he started to get up I panicked and jumped up, running as fast as I could towards home._

Every time I closed my eyes I saw the ocean, or the sky on a perfect day. Her eyes were a wonder. How could such a perfect color be pressed into something so small? How could you fit such perfection in such an enclosed space? How could this girl, so innocent, hold a key to the universe in her eyes?

She provoked questions in me- questions that won't ever be answered because I shouldn't ask a fallen angel her secrets. It would be a sin to tell.

Or maybe she's unaware; as unaware as I am in knowing that the most amazing being walks the face of this Earth and resides within hands reach from me. I could grab her, pull her to me and easily proclaim affection to her. I could easily recite her a poem thought up on the spot about how her smile makes me wish I could go to sleep seeing it forever. How her eyes make me dizzy as if I'd lost all oxygen to my lungs. How her voice is like wind-chimes in a soft summer breeze.

Julia's voice was like a bell- the sound of a door opening in an unpopular restaurant; the sound that made the owners smile, knowing they had a customer. But that door's been closed and locked, the restaurant shut down- I won't ever hear those bells again.

But wind-chimes... they'd always stay. They were everywhere, swaying in the wind, creating beautiful music. And now Clare would be everywhere; in my dreams, behind me in class, a bank of lockers away. She'd be with me at the park, so we could criticize each other's work... I will never be free.

* * *

She found me in the hallway during free period just before English. I wished she hadn't.

"Eli," she said, desparate, and I wished I could find other ways to make her sound desparate. "Can you check my paper this period?"

I smirked. Clare Edwards asking for help. I pretended to think about it when, really, I was all for this idea. "Well, I don't know..." I trailed off, sending her another smirk. She was so easy to tease... "I mean, why would I want to spend my free period editing the paper of a helpless sophomore?" It meant to be a joke, but she huffed and turned to walk away.

"Fine," she almost growled and I thought it unbearably _hot_. "That's the last time I ask you for help. Sorry to waste your ti-"

I cut her off when I grasped her wrist and pulled her back. "I was kidding, Edwards," I tried not to sound anxious. I didn't want her walking away from me. "You can't take a joke?" She stiffened in my grip and I released her wrist. I held my hands up apologetically. "Sorry."

"No," she said quietly. "_I'm_ sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way. It's just-" she stopped herself and I couldn't keep from being curious. "Nevermind."

That was all I was going to get from her, so I didn't press. "So. Ready for my awesome editing skills?" She laughed and instantly I was proud of myself for making her smile after she was just so upset barely a minute ago.

We settled in Ms. Dawes' classroom. She grabbed a Rubbermaid container of vegetables out of her tote bag and I pulled an apple from my bag. She sat atop the desk right in front of mine while I crashed in my own desk. She handed me the paper and I skimmed it. I didn't need to actually read through the whole thing to know she had writer's block. But the title _was_ centered. I took a loud bite of my apple and chewed, looking at her paper 'intently'. Not that I really cared. She was a good writer, but she never gave herself away.

"So?" she asked, hopefully. "What do you think?"

I wish she didn't ask that. "It's... um..."

She spoke quickly. "Awkwardly constructed, filled with hyperbole, and generally sloppy," she said it as a statement, not a question. This girl was too smart for her own good. If only she could get out of her slump...

"The... title's centered?" I offered, hoping to make her feel a little better. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

She breathed out a sigh. "Dawes is right, I have writer's block!"

She looked like someone had just informed her her dog was hit by a car and I found that I really don't like her like this. I want that shy smile again, the slight tint of pink on her cheeks when I compliment her eyes.

"So, don't hand it in," I said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. It's normal for me to do things like that- just not hand in assignments becasuse I hadn't done them. But her reasoning is completely different. I don't care what people think. It's my work and if they don't like it, they can fuck off.

"And what?" she scoffed. "Tell her the dog ate my homework?"

I smirked and, looking around quickly to make sure no one would overhear, leaned a little closer and said, "Or you could... _take off_."

I thought she'd be completely shocked, but she didn't seem all that appalled. "You mean skip?"

"If you want to get official," I almost laughed at her naivete.

She thought it over for a moment. I never thought I'd see the day when a perfect girl would consider skipping class, albeit to do an assignment, but it's still _skipping_. "It would give me time to write a way better assignment..." The bell rang and I'm pretty sure her heart stopped dead in her chest. I looked to the door, then turned back to her with my smirk, taking another bite.

"Decision time." She smiled at me- there's the Clare I want to see forever. I weighed the options with my hands. "Stay, or go?" My eyes provoked a challenge and she closed the lid on her vegetable container.

I wasn't sure what she was doing yet... but what she _did_ do completely shocked me. She got up and walked past me towards the door. I followed her with my eyes, turning my body to face her. She turned around to smirk at me. "Well?" she asked and I felt a grin spread across my face. "You coming?" _Hell fucking yes_, ran through my head but I shrugged, held my apple in my mouth and collected my stuff. I made it to the door and she did a courtsey, signifying for me to go first. We did a double check, then we were out the exit and running through the parking lot like criminals.

"I can't believe that I got goody two-shoes Clare Edwards to skip!" I shouted, a good ten feet ahead of her. We were almost to Morty. I could hear her laugh behind me. "I feel accomplished!"

"Shut up!" she yelled, giggles erupting afterwards. I unlocked Morty and we both slid in.

"Where to?"

"Coffee?" she offered. I shrugged and started the engine. Off to The Dot, we went.

* * *

I held open the door for Clare and she giggled again. "The man who drives a hearse, bringing chivalry back from the dead," she muttered. "Ironic."

I shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a man of many surprises."

She rolled her eyes and walked it. "Baby Edwards!" I heard and a wide grin spread across her face. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. "Shouldn't you be in English?" the boy at the counter asked, and I immediately recognized him as the first person I met here, though we didn't exchange names.

"I, um..." she looked down, embarrassed.

"I'm persuasive," I said, bored, and put my hands in my pockets.

Though I was sure he and I had gotten along when we met, all that changed when a scowl covered his boyish face. What did I do wrong? "You haven't touched her, have you?" he asked bluntly, and I realized what he thought I meant when I said I'm persuasive... shit.

"Peter!" she yelled, face bright red. "N-Nothing like that." She was cute when she stuttered. The kid- Peter's face softened and he looked at her. "He just... got me to skip English. F-For a good cause!"

Peter raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "What's up man?" he said nonchalantly, like he hadn't been about to jump the counter and beat the shit out of me.

I paid for Clare's Chai, to get Peter off my back about everything, and I got myself a coffee- black. Clare had cringed "_Black_?" she asked, a little disgusted. "That's so... _gross_."

I smirked. "Sometimes I just don't like sweets."

"How could you not?" she gasped. I shrugged and we left The Dot in favor of the park just down the street, talking and laughing all the way. While she was too busy being appalled at the fact that I don't like sweets, I found out that she loves to dance to random songs she thinks about in her head- she doesn't even realize she does it. But as we were walking from The Dot to the park- it wasn't that far- she danced and hummed. It was, admittedly, cute.

_Stop it, Eli_.

We settled on a bench at the park and pulled out our papers. She read mine, the one with the big, fat, red _A_ on the top right corner as I pretended to re-read hers.

We were quiet until, "_Wow_," I said, breaking the silence. "This is a first, skipping school to do _work_." I sent her an accusing look and she countered back quickly, immediately.

"Okay," she set down her Chai and turned to face me. "I don't understand how you got an _A_... and I got a _C_." _Ouch, that hurt a little._

"Simple." I gave her a serious look and she sent me back an expectant look, waiting. "I'm dating Ms. Dawes." She looked so worried, so hurt that I had to get serious, for her sake. I laughed a little. "You're a good writer but anyone could have penned this piece," I said. "There's no point-of-view."

"I wrote about gun control," she countered, confident. "I say it's good."

"Wow," I smirked, sarcastic. "_Controvercial_."

She brings out a side of me that I wish I didn't have... a side that lets the world know that Eli Goldsworthy can _smile_. Dammit, Clare, you're taking away my dark undertones!

"Okay, so..." She crossed her arms and completely turned to face me. And damn everything, if I looked I was going to get lost in her eyes. "What am I _supposed_ to write about?" It sounded like a challenge. I accepted.

"Something that..." I thought about it for a moment, looking back at her. "_Pisses you off_."

"_Besides_ my English partner?" she said with a defiant smirk. Spitfire attitude... I loved it.

"_Ouch_!" Sarcasm, my greatest weapon. But I grew serious again. "If you could change one thing in the world... what would it be?" Her expression changed and she looked away, making me unsure if I'd hit a nerve.

But she spoke again. "My mom and dad." Oh, so she does have baggage... but the question is, how much? "They're... not exactly getting along."

I was thoughtful for a moment, staring at anything but her. "So write about that," I said softly, finally facing her again. _God she's pretty_...

"I can't! It's personal," she said quickly and I scoffed.

"You care too much about what people think."

"_That_ is not true." She was defiant again and I smirked.

"Then prove it." I saw her look at me, confused from the corner of my eye and I turned back to her, challenging, calculating. "Scream," I said softly. "At the _top_ of your lungs." I emphasized 'top' by looking up quickly. She looked back at me and I raised my eyebrows giving her an encouraging nod, daring her to accept my challenge. And she did...

But failed miserably. Could that have even been considered a scream?

I scoffed, for what felt like the millionth time. "That's the best you can do?" I looked her up and down before looking away, victorious, somehow knowing I'd provoke her into trying again. She looked appalled that I could just write her off like that, but I held firm.

She shocked me, though, by standing up, smoothing her jean dress and letting out possibly the loudest most ear-curdling scream I'd ever heard in person before. She could be the star actress in a horror movie if she keeps this up. But I was embarrassed, a little pained, and a little smug as she finished with a girly stomp of her foot. Maybe someday I'll regain back my hearing. Hopefully. And the man behind me looked like he was about to have a stroke.

She turned to me expectantly. "Okay," she said, smiling. "Your turn."

I almost laughed. She wanted _me_ to scream? Sorry, Blue Eyes, I don't publicly embarrass myself.

"Yeah, not my style..." I said, standing up.

Her smile fell as she watched me get up and back away. "Wha- No, you have to do it!" She advanced on me, and I backed into a telephone pole. She was pointing her finger at me, smiling wide.

"It's not my style-"

"You have to do it!" she said, almost against my chest now. "You have to- You have- I have to-"

Her smile fell when I instinctively grasped both her wrists and pulled her impossibly closer against my chest. I was lost in her mesmerizing eyes and I slowly leaned down just as she seemingly leaned up...

She struggled in my grip and I unwillingly let go, giving her a sheepish apologetic look and held my hands up- _no funny business_. She laughed nervously and put distance between us, gave me one quick, shy smile, then sat back down on the bench, occupying the spot I had recently vacated.

She was too goddamn cute and I couldn't erase the feeling of emptiness coursing through my veins when I let her pull away. Her being that far- _ten mere feet away_- almost hurt... like my soul had separated from my body briefly. God, how I wished I'd actually gone through with kissing her.

* * *

The rest of the school day spent with her had been awkward- neither of us knew what to say but we couldn't go back to school, and I couldn't take her home either- and we both watched the time. Finally, it was an okay time for her to go home and I dropped her off. She offered me a shy 'goodbye' and slipped out of Morty, closing the door softly behind her. I sat in front of her house for a few minutes, just thinking.

Do I want to chance another relationship? Could she even possibly like me?

_No_, the voice in the back of my head told me and I groaned. I can't chance another relationship... especially not after Clare could end up being the one dying. Clare was too innocent and undeserving of such a fate. Though I doubt she's the kind to cheat on her boyfriends. Speaking of... how many _has_ she had?

_"How many boyfriends have you had, Julia?" I asked, breathing in the scent of her hair- lavender. She stiffened in my arms and I expected her to say one or two, but instead she completely surprised me._

_"None, Elijah," she said, smiling up at me. I could see it in her eyes, she wasn't telling the truth... but I'm sure she'll tell me someday, why she didn't want me to know._

_"Alright," I replied back, reassuringly, and closed my eyes. "I'm glad I'm your first." She stiffened again, but didn't say anything_.

What I liar Julia had been. I can't believe we even lasted as long as we had. Was she with Mike the whole time? Was she with Mike _before_ me? Or did Mike steal her like everyone else, honestly?

I hadn't realized it had become 7 already. I'd been too busy daydreaming about the girl of my past that I can't believed I loved once... and the girl of my present- the very girl who just so happened to sign onto FaceRange. Hmm...

I gave it a good half an hour, not wanting to seem _desparate_, and shot her an IM.

**eli-gold49**: more public embarrassment tonight?

I could imagine the shock on her face and smirked, waiting impatiently for a response.

_DING!_

**clare-e23**: is that an invitation?

**eli-gold49**: do you want it to be?

This time, it took a good five minutes for her to respond and my heartrate increased rapidly as I waited anxiously...

**clare-e23**: love to hang - but i can't

_clare-e23 has signed off._

I followed suit and signed off, leaning back in my bed. I sighed, cursing the writers of _Twilight_ for providing an even bigger distraction than me. It really wasn't fair.

* * *

Longest chapter I've made for this story. Excluding the author's notes, it is exactly 4,000 words. Cool. Review? I didn't like this chapter.


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